her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
