So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you will always have a special place in my vag
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
