I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
