vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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