ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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