They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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