fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
