So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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