im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm too high and old for this...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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