Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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