so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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