On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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