there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
