Someone shit on the floor
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
