I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
