i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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