FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
