is your mom at the bar?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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