i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
