Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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