I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize