you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
