life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
