This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
