a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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