and you said cock pushups were impossible
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
True strength comes from lack of pants
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
