I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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