took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
