It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
