So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
