Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize