What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
this hospital has no fireball
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
