someone threw a dead crab at me
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
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