theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
