just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize