I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
