Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
