If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
