Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
