My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
