is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
