dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
