god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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