I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
