New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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