I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
