My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
