dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
