i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
