I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
