Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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