Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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