fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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