Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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