cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
How external is "for external use only"?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
